Making sense out of nonsense

With Respect

2011-03-03T12:40:00.001-08:00

I once met a man that I respected. Not often does this happen, so infrequently, that it merits this here story. The man was tall in stature, and had dark eyes, dark hair and darks skin. He spoke quietly, no assertion to his tone, he spoke objectively, yet effectively. He was a man of few words, every word he used was carefully chosen with a purpose, a purpose to enlighten, the audience that was lucky enough to be his target. His wit masked his weathered body, face full of lines leading through his life like each one was a road on the atlas of his life. His eyes welcomed you, they were kind and unyielding, with a touch of misery hidden behind mystery. He never had a name, this man, never had a name to me. I never would know the tales he would tell, the stories his life had created I would never know the journey he had taken to come to this point, or how his life journey would end. I only knew who he was at that moment, that moment that our life journeys paths had crossed. I wondered if they had passed before, or would ever pass again. I imagined all of lifes most fullfilling events through the dark kind eyes of the the nameless man. In seconds I drew a picture in my minds eye of all of his hopes and dreams, aspirations, and all of his accomplishments. I imagined how he loved in the same manner I did, took pleasure in the same things I did, how he had lost in the same way I had, as I imagined his gaze slowly became directed, and met my watery eyes, that were overcome with emotion. With barely an utter, the words from his mouth seemed to echo in my head for time to come, "scuse me miss, could ya spar'a'dolla'?"..... I quickly looked away.

They say never take candy from strangers...

2011-02-15T22:19:00.001-08:00

I learned something today... something that I guess I never cared enough to learn before... as many of us have chosen not to care. It seems that the institution that holds all the control of the money in the country I live in, is a private institution... not an branch of the treasury division of our government... but, simply a business. A business that creates numbers on paper and calls it money, then profits off the interest of those numbers that represent a fictitious note that never even existed. Baffling isn't it, how such a dramatic con could have been founded in 1913, close to a century ago, and still profits today.... actually, it was the highest profiting business this year... even without collecting the money I owe them... you would never know it though, with the incesant calls from dawn until dusk, you would think my chunk was their primary need for survival... yet, they made over 80 billion off data this year.

That institution sure was good to me, I thought... they helped me pay for school... they gave me money to live... beyond my means.... and only at 6.8% Interest... thats right, for the simple exchange of what now is my livelihood, one fifth of what I have, which, would take four times as much to put me near the poverty line.... I am now educated, no degree to prove it, and thus no job... but at least I can hold my own in a conversation... with the other educated indigent population. Sweat, tears, and whats left of my sanity slowly make their way into their pockets, yet, the only sacrafice they made was having the hot press print up some more paper... Federal Reserve notes... by the thousands... they really didnt even do it themselves... they just told someone else to do it.... and we thought it was coming from our pockets.... he, he, no doubt we pay...

I just wish I knew then, what I know now... things would be so much different... this land of opportunity and dream are fairytales for those with integrity, we are all raised to fail.... it is the corrupt that seize the opportunity, and we thank them generously, for allowing us to dig our graves, with the dirt we dug to plant their fruit....

Dont get me wrong, I am at fault... I didn't think about the future and was simply pleased with living in the moment... I, like many others, was blissfully ignorant in that I was being scammed... had I the means to take responsibility for my subsequent actions, my chosen ignorance, well... it doesn't matter what I would do, as they have a way of getting mine before it even becomes mine.... yet now I know the candy you lured me in with, was mine to begin with... I do not know how to escape the sadomous penalty for my actions.... there is always death to look forward to... the loophole. Sad thing about it is, not only am I paying for my own mistakes.... but we all are forced to take responsibility for yours too... at what? 6.8% for your troubles???

The proper way to love me...

2010-02-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

Is first off not to judge.
To support all my choices,
to surround me with love.
To hold your advice,
for the times that I ask,
to recognize my accomplishments,
abilities and tasks.
To know I do my best,
in all that I do,
and to be there for me,
like Im there for you.

Nastalgia .... 1

2010-01-17T04:33:00.000-08:00

I had a flashback when listening to fireflies, of one night when I was there, its an incoherent flashback, but from what I have pieced together is about you talking about distinguishing between insturments in songs... and about the orchastration of putting them together in the perfect way to make it call to people (paraphrasing from broken memory)... well I hear the different instruments too... guitar, harmonica, tamborien, clap, keyboard (love the keys) drum machine, background growels and harmonys... I think you went on to talk about how it could be easily reproduced live, and that makes good music... the beauty in this to me, is when music like this can be made off the cuff, jam session, or for me, this song brings me back to sleeping under the church pew at an age that I had to climb to sit on it... that was my true introduction to music, and it was beautiful. I love that this song takes me to then... I miss reproducing such marrymaking with my friends and family... isnt that the best part of music? Bleeding your soul within harmony? this is the kind of music I love to make, and in that I would find passion in a group of five, or a million, for a penny, or a billion, your voice, your style, you take me to those days as well, I feel the passion in you, I want to make music with you, but only if you remain passionate... in this game its not the prize, its the means... love ya.

Blessed...

2009-12-25T14:09:00.001-08:00

Direction, substance, love, compassion, consideration.... you name it, I have it here....

Amazing.

Today. Christmas day. I am working. But I am not. I am treated like royalty.... I couldnt have asked for better treatment... truely.

My family here... they really are the best I have ever experienced. 7 6, and 4, have everything you could ever imagine... completely oblivious to what it truely is to want for something.... I painted a coffee cup with their name.... you would have thought it was gold....

"How sweet Melisa" before Alex even opened it...

"Thank you Melisa, Its blue, very nice" Marcos, four... truely appreciative... amazing.

When I cleaned the Kitchen after lunch, Mercedes gave me true appreciation... "Thank you so much, it looked like a different kitchen..." I hadnt even finished... and she told me to quit cleaning several times today "Its CHristmas"

Im not really used to this... people not taking me for granted, but it makes me feel truely blessed... I am exactly where I need to be...

Recipe for burnout?

2009-12-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

If I could escape the memories
Maybe I could be at ease
How much longer til they fade?
How much longer can I wait?

"Everythings great..."
is what I say
Harden my heart?
Is there a way?

Tears are wasted
on this one
Love was wasted
once again

Things you said,
you would not do,
Those things
Now define you

I can push you down
I can push you away
I can box you up
but still you stay.

When I open my eyes
I see you there
Youre in my reflection
Youre in my stare

When I close my eyes
you remain
your voice your words
all fog my brain

I close them tighter
to make you disappear
how much tighter
til Im rid of you dear?

How pathetic
I can be
to allow them this power
over me

CANT hate
That which I love
cant HATE
but can say FUCK OFF

Fuck you brother
YOure full of shit
fuck you
and your ole crazy bitch

Hope the negative keeps you balanced
Hope your life is fulfilled
Hope it gives you the thrill
to which is your will

As for me
I cant oblige
think you should run from the toxins
should run and hide

My opinion is now available
as I once was
these words echo
however unjust

Heres a recipe, wont burn you out
maybe this recipe, you can burn down
pipe it,smoke it, toke it... and burn.... peace

Objectives... ug

2009-12-10T16:35:00.000-08:00

So, Mercedes believes I am depressed.... I find it quite impressive that she notices... yet wonder what she would have thought of me one and half years ago when I was in my prime of depression... when I couldnt move or see straight... see.... I thought I was getting better... but my better, is her bad... and thus leads me to this.

Her solution, I need to create a list of objectives, and a plan to accomplish them... and I am shocked that someone cares this much about me to try and help me in this way... so I say, of course I will. With creating these of objectives, comes the pain of possibly disappointing her, so I have to be careful, and make them reasonable, as I fear more her disappointment than my own. So, in the morning, I will make a list... a list of goals, to which I know I can obtain, but at the same time challenge me... and she and I will make a plan, together, and she will be my life coach, to make them work... Interesante.

Everything is best in moderation, EXCEPT...

2009-11-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

Honesty... I learned my lesson today. So I try to be honest and fair in everything I do... I try to follow moral code, and always do what I feel is right and just. Today, I veared from this slightly... a friend offered to let me use her Metro pass (Madrid subway), see she had paid 53 Euros to be able to use the subway an unlimited amount of times, for one month... these passes com with a sleeve, with a picture ID... "no one ever checks it" she tells me... I was hesitant, but justified it in my head, she paid alot of money for it, and wasnt using it that day... it is fine... tell you the truth, I didnt put a whole lot of thought into it, at first i was like, I really dont need it, but she was persistant, she thought by letting me use it, she was getting more for her money, so I kindly obliged.... against my better judgement....

On the way there I had no problems, although I did notice an irregular amount of security in all of the stations, wasnt sure why, but didnt think anything of it. I used Dora's pass, though I had my ten trip pass with me, through every station, and every transfer, even went through a wrong exit... and was grateful to have her pass, as it would have cost me an extra trip for the silly mistake. So I hit the ML as I always do, on the way home from giving an English lesson closer to downtown Madrid, in order to get back to Alcobendas... this is not the normal subway, but it is connected... it is more like a trolley that runs east and west in northern madrid, and my quickest transfer route to get home. Now on this ML, they do not make it entirely obvious, but you are supposed to swipe your card in a machine within the trolley, because of this in the past, I have lost trips on my card for not doing this... but with Dora's card I thought, no harm no foul in losing trips, as it is unlimited, so I just walked to a seat near a group of people close to my age, a couple across from me, and next to me, two girls were sitting across from eachother, they all seemed to know eachother. I pulled out my book, and began to read, as it is the best way to pass the time on long rides home. Suddenly a man walks up, with some kind of scanner, another lady, and two uniformed men, that are obviously security... they swipe the cards around me, as I am not sure what is going on, or what will happen if I pull out Dora's card, I pull out my subway pass, actually two of mine, one old and one new, and hand them to the man.

Not a word, not a single word of his Spanish did I understand, no matter how hard I tried, I just looked at him stunned as he ran both of my cards... and kept hinting at that I should have another, I looked at the woman, who I also couldnt understand, then to the people around me, who just made dead eye contact, I didnt know what to do, I was completely alone, I couldnt even try to explain, and if I had, would it have made it worse?

I just continued to look around, at all of them, and then uttered " I dont understand...." in english, so stunned I couldnt even try and use the little Spanish I knew.... finally, the lady swiped my card in the machine on the trolley, and gestured that I must do it, while speaking spanish, she walked back and the man ran it through his little scanner... and they all walked away... and one of the girls next to me said, "entiende, ingles"... understand, english, guess she was talking about me... I was mortified, and completely ashamed of myself, on top of the fact that my addrenaline had pumped to the point I felt like I was going to vomit right there... never again will I try to steal a ride, or anything for that matter, or justify something that does not deserve justification.

When I told Dora, she appologized, she had recognized that I was hesitant about using it.... when I told Mercedes, the mother that I work for, she said I have terrible luck, that she had never once had someone try to scan her ticket... I agreed, and explained that I had believed it to be a life lesson... and lesson learned... the exception to the rule of everything in moderation, is honesty, it is best in abundance....

2009-11-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Wauding up arbitrarilly hidden messages that create mellow dramatic dellusions in my all too understimulated mind... "tirra a la basura"... instead I carry it around with the intention of throwing it away... even forget I am carrying it sometimes, but it never quite makes it to the trash, just another thing for me to carry... I carry so much sometimes, before I realize that I am dragging it around with me, everywhere I go. These symbolic pieces of trash in my life slow me down, drag me down, and eventually barry me.

High on positivity....

2009-10-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

He never says a bad word, never complains, and never lets the petty shit get to him. He always has a smile on his face, and radiates happiness, just being in his presence makes me feel better about life. When surrounded by negativity, it does not penatrate his high, he has so much positivity, it repels the negative, like equal ends of a magnet... if Im upset, he not only calms me, but makes me feel excellent. How could you not love that? How could I not love him.... hes the only drug Ill ever need again... Im havin withdrawls....

Thaaare on ma feet!

2009-10-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

In the Burk house, for some reason, there is always a sock shortage. Not sure why, the shortages began before Scarlet progressed her shoe obsession to socks as well, so she can not be blaimed. It was early in the morning, half past too dark to see the point in getting up at such a riculous time of the day... and I was helping Heith get ready for school. I had told him to get up, and laid his clothes out, but his sock drawer was empty, so I began frantically digging through all of the drawers trying to find a pair of anyones socks that he could wear for the day. I asked him, while still frantically digging...

"Heith, do you have ANY socks?"

"Yeah"

I didnt even look up, I wondered how he knew that quickly that he had them, he hadnt even looked for them.

"then wear are they?"

"On ma feet"

lol, oh Heith is always thinking, he slept in the last pair of socks he had.... what a perfect way to keep up with them:)

A kiss? Really?

2009-10-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

"Alex, get in the bathtub"

" I will get in the bathtub if you geebe me a kees"

"How about you just listen to me all the time, and because you are so good, I want to give you a kiss"

"Im not getting into the bathtub until you geebe me a kees"

"Alex, get in the bathtub, Alex, get in the bathtub, Alex, get in the bathtub"

"Kees"

What a ridiculous argument... so I grabbed his cheeks and planted the least authentic kiss possible on his little forehead...

"Now, get in the bathtub"

"Ok"

Whatcha gonna do, CRY!!!???

2009-10-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

Many hours, arranging the toys just perfectly in this very spunky little four year olds room, who I have grown to love, yet her bull headed and bosiness can become exhausting to someone who is trying to control her. She watched me, she sat on her bed and watched me scrub and arrange her entire room... ah, finally, that looks perfect... I think to myself... as I am admiring my work, Martha Chole jumps off the bed and starts pulling stuffed animals from those I just arranged and throwing them on the floor.

"Martha Chole, STOP, I do not care what you do when I leave, but please just leave it be until I go home."

"Whatcha gonna do, CRY!!!???"

"I might"

"Well then go ahead and cry, BABY!"

Gnarly Mess of words.

2009-10-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

You are amazing, I am not ready for anything serious. I love you.

Its all a matter of perception.

2009-10-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

"It doesnt take a long time to get to your grandparents Melisa?"

"No Heith I it sure doesnt, it is all a matter of perception"

"Yeah, it's all a matter of perssseption"

"Do you percieve it to take a long time, Heith?"

"No, It doesnt take a long time to get to your grandparents"

"Then it does not take a long time"

"It did when you took the wrong way, why did you do that? take the right way this time Melisa"

" I will do my best Heith"

=================================================================

"This is my most horrible day"

2009-10-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

"This is my most horrible day", wails the light haired, light eyed seven year old when told he cannot play when he gets home because he must do his homework as soon as he arrives from Judo lessons. " I hate Judo!" Then starts the waterworks... and of course the whinning cry that turns into incoherent rambling in spanish, or english, who can distinguish? I like to ask him if that ever works for him when it is just he and I. "Is that really necessary, I'm sorry Alex, but when you throw tantrums, you are less likely to get what you desire when I am the authority, so you may want to try to dry it up, and ask properly." Truth is, Im not really sorry, not even annoyed, just intrigued by this learned behavior. I find it hard not to laugh.... especially when he often likes to show me how well he can fake cry... " You know, when you trick me enough times with your fake crying, someday, Im not going to trust that you are ever crying for real." It is hard to sympathize with someone who is crying every five minutes... and I dont think my explanation of consequences has even started to penatrate his ears, let alone his mind.

"This is my most horrible day!" once again, this time when I ask why that is, all I get is that he is being punished... "Well how do you suppose you could make your day better, your situation better?" Does anyone really want to feel better when immersed in self pity? I dont believe he did, my suggestions for feeling better were invane, I'm not even sure I existed at this point, kind of invisible to him in a way. "Maybe if you learn from what you did wrong, and make an effort to do something much better, maybe this could be your best day?" Maybe if he had ever experienced the hangover I had, and was feeling his head spin like mine the entire time I was trying to make his bed and listening to him wail, he may redifine his perception of horrible. I didnt learn from my hangover, and I dont think Alex learned from his horrible day...

BABY BABY BABY BABY... when you love me I cant get enough.....

2009-10-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

Goddamn he is so sexy, that voice.... Mmh, mmh, mmh. Gawd, I am lucky.

Reality Check...one two....

2009-10-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

Monday, December 01, 2008
Reality Check.. one two... Category: Friends
If old is a state of mind than I am screwed no matter which way you look at it.... whether I was born this way or it is my environment that made me who I am, or a lil of both as I would like to believe, I was without a chance from the beginning, ha, guess we all were... but some made the best of it, if not better, obtaining milliions or creating life, or just smiling through it all, while Ive sat back this whole time and done nothing to truely improve my situation. My morals are manipulatable, as is my mind, my possesions, and my body... and manipulation is the only game I can ever find a willing opponent, beats solitare. Weak IQ, weak will, whatever weakness I have, if I dont give up, I lose, or give

Not again...

2009-10-20T14:09:00.001-07:00

I am a ball of anxiety, it has been progressively getting worse, I dont know how to control it... there is no refuge from this, it hurts, it physically hurts...I feel like I am suffocating.

the way I feel, the way you make me feel...

2009-10-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

I believe I will stumble home, you on my mind the entire time, Envisioning your tongue entangled with mine, no limits to what I want to do with you, mind body soul all intertwined as we meld from two to one, we become the symbol of beauty, the purest love, meant to be, the way you complete me. Never thought I would find something so amazing... "I would ride you like a mustang"... your soul has meshed with mine, sure its not the first time, or the last, moving so fast, yet time stands still while we spin out of control, childlike spinning, never ending, don't stop the adrenaline rush. You're in me, I want you in me, forever, never letting go of the most incredible love to ever find me. My mind will see, new horizons with you, as you do, what you do, I trust you, you see me, the true me, and love me... and love you, I do.

Maybe you should think twice friend, if she is a handful now.

2009-10-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

Damn, sounds like she has alot going for her, I imagine that could be intimidating... but apparently she falters somewhere if she is giving you trouble... a computer programmer, and a model... computer programmers make bank, why the need for a second career? Is it because CP contract out and its not alway a steady income? I guess that is kind of the same for modeling... maybe I answered my own question... lol... the power of reasoning, silly. Anyway, any amount of brains and looks cant provide a healthy stable relationship... which is what I hope you are looking for, I know you know this, but incredible beauty and intelligence can be blinding at times... if there is already trouble, what does that say about the future? I wish you the best, and hope she is "the one" but like the book says(of course, the four agreements, my most recent preferred biblical text of sorts) never believe you can change someone,the person you choose to be with, must be someone that you can appreciate and always live with as is... I know you have some similar issues as I do with emotional stability, so Im hoping you do not put yourself in a situation that leads you back into a depressive state... keep your head up and stand your ground, its your story, make it a fairytale... that ends happily ever after... much love friend.... oh, and I know you didnt ask for an opinion, but apparently I have one... lol, and its my story... so dont let it slow you down in anyway from the life you want to live....namaste

Cant wait to be your lover...

2009-10-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

You enchant me, happiness was just a word, until I met you, you make me whole. Ive never felt so complete, just when I think you cant get any better, you do. Feels too good to stop and worry if its real, too good to be true? feels too good to care whats true... Feels so good now, cant wait to be your lover...

Your song (my song) is amazing. The most beautiful gift I have ever recieved, brings tears to my eyes... Love my pain away... you are perfection.

Irony, in love.

2009-10-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

I really thought it would be easier to focus on working to create the person I have always wanted to be, while being here. I left, leaving nothing, and no one behind, in my mind, a take it or leave it situation with no ties, no burnt bridges either, but still no ties or reigns to slow me down or keep me from doing anything and everything I need to, to create a happy me. I could stay forever or only a day, but there was no need to ever look back, I thought. Instead I found happiness from another, back in the place I left in pursuit of such a whole harmonious feeling... the utter irony of it all. I had no one, I leave, and the most amazing person to enter my life is in the place I left, and now I am distant from that which makes me happiest. He still does it, he still lights up everyday... keeps me positive, shows me the compassion, consideration, care and concern that I have always searched for the reciprocity of... but the whole situation really has changed my intentions, my reasoning, and has slowed down all of my goals for this place. Love, reciprical love, I couldnt be happier and more miserable at the same time. I just wish I could touch his face, the way he has touched my heart and my soul. It doesnt matter though, it is still the most beautiful and genuine love I think I have ever experienced, and everyday makes me smile... everyday he makes me smile, even from thousands of miles away.

January 31 2009 at 3:55pm

2009-09-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

I cry myself to sleep most nights, it is pretty terrible... guess not much has changed. Last night I heard someone outside my room, and I imagined it was you, I fantasized that you showed up at my door, came in, gave me a real hug, unlike any you had ever given me before, and told me everything would be all right, then you disappeared again, forever,but I trusted your words, then I realized again that I am alone.

I have to say that today was a good day.

2009-09-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe I didnt get as much done as I set out to do, but I feel like a million pounds have been lifted off my shoulder. I decided to sell my prized bedroom set. The need for money, more peace of mind, has been eating away at me. So I thought, I will post it on Craigslist, for just a little less than double what I bought it for two years ago, and see what happens. Didnt think I would get a call before the day ended. What an investment it was... and though I wish I could keep it, there will be other bedroom sets, and none of them more valuable than my piece of mind. A good day indeed. Looking forward to all the days to come. In two weeks from tomorrow evening, I will be on a flight to Madrid, worry free.

My Story.

2009-08-31T10:34:00.001-07:00

Ive always been sensitive, I have always been able to relate to others emotions. I have always been emotionally impacted by everything and everyone around me. That has always been the hugest part of me. I think I blocked out most of my childhood, I cannot remember much, when I try to think back I have a mental block, but I can still feel pain that I attribute to it.

I remember the first time I felt my whole world had turned around, when my eyes opened to the fact that nothing I believed to be real, ever was, not in the way I had perceived it. I remember the loneliness involved, having no one to talk to, yet yearning for someone, anyone, to relate to, to relate to me. It was at that moment at the tender age of sixteen, that I finally realized, to make it in this world, I would have to do it all on my own. I would have to find the courage and strength from inside, and the knowledge only from my own search and struggle. No one could help me, no one I knew could relate to who I was, and what I was going through, no one but me. I was the first person I knew to go through this, and this forced me to internalize it, to repress the heartache around others, to isolate myself, to avoid a mask, a facade, something that was not me, but others could not handle that me.

My world had crumbled down around me, every aspect of my life was changing, and rapidly changing for the worst... I had no control over this, I was not the cause, it was those around me... others choices effecting me directly, emotionally, and relentlessly. I do not know if it was apparent to others that I was having a hard time, but if so, they never reached out to help... maybe because they didn't know how, or maybe because they just didn't know.

I had no one to tell me that I was depressed, I had no one to tell me how to handle depression, all I had was me, a novice to this mind set. I found my own ways to deal with the hurt and pain, I found ways to turn this around, to grow from it. I viewed it as a maturing, that maybe everyone had to go through at one time or another, and it took alot of soul searching, and that I would have to create rules and guidelines for overcoming.

My rules then:

1. Only depend on yourself, there is no one else that can help you, no one, no point in reaching out to others, they cannot lend a hand.

2. Search within yourself to find the cause, effect, and cure.

3. Getting close to others is not what you believe it to be, they do not connect on the same level, and cannot understand your openness, letting people inside will only hurt you.

4. If something burns you, keep your distance.

5. Take personal responsibility for all of your actions, and emotions. No one can make you feel any way that you do not allow yourself to feel.

6. Repress, repress, repress.... eventually you will block it all out, and the hurt will be gone.

7. Never judge others. Everyone deals with things differently, to one person a broken nail is equally as emotionally disheartening as someone who deals with the loss of a child, such things are relative.

8. Take as much as you can with a grain of salt, and always apologize and back down from any argument or blame, even if you know it is not your responsibility, take it upon yourself to take responsibility for it, this will satisfy others, and does not hurt you when you are secure in knowing that it doesn't change who you are.

These steps were of course not defined in that day in time, but looking back, these are the guidelines I used to create my own path through this sometimes debilitating state of mind. I made it through, it worked, for a while even. I learned to never converse on a deeper level than the superficial, though my mind was racing through all the depths of everything, all of the time. I learned to even enjoy people on this level, enjoy the distraction from my always exhausting and racing thoughts. I learned to just coexist with others, to make my real self completely invisible to them, to just blend in.... and when alone, well alone is when it all came racing back, when it all consumed me... I analyzed every aspect of everything, why was this person like this, what made them choose to do that, what is their motivation? What is my motivation for my own thoughts and actions? The analyzing was nothing new to me, I had always done it, it was just never as important as it was now. I needed it to make it through everyday, I needed to understand something and everything all at the same time.

Through all of this constant analyzation I developed a very vast understanding of why people do the things they do, yet, at this time, I believed that all people were good by nature, and they could not be blamed for their negative actions, because they were working only with what they had... and they were working through their own pain and fear. Fear, fear at this time was not a major issue for me, I did not fear, I hurt. The lack of fear gave me the ability to work towards my development... my recovery of sorts. This was a way for me to cope with life, to avoid being completely miserable, but I never was able to find happiness. I was never happy. I found pleasure in the distraction of my mind, but this was not happiness, it was not even who I was, it was the surface me.

I grew close to my friends, eventually, they were my refuge, they distracted me from my thoughts, from the pain. It was easiest to escape when with my closest friends, who made me feel important, made me feel loved. Old friends and family had taken away from my feeling of love, they turned around my whole idea, through their actions I began to believe I was unlovable as I was.... I reinvented myself, and found people that enjoyed my presence, and surrounded myself with these people.

This worked as a distraction for many years. I kept my friends close, and my alone time short... it was easier to not deal with the pain, to just avoid it. My closest friend eventually went through this same transition, many years after I, and I was able to open myself, and show her that side of me, and she had someone with to share that side of her. We were able to communicate openly and freely without any inhibitions, or worries of judgement. It was this time in my life that I began to take the soul searching to another level, to use analyzation to find who I truly am, and what it would take to make me happy. Autumn was my best friend, my confidant, and often my crutch... she was always stronger than me, and always open to me, and when I wouldn't open up to her because I had fallen so far into the rules of my past, she was persistent, and would find a way to make me confide in her. I had finally found someone to which I could relate, and could relate to me. And I was able to begin to speak with others openly without fear, I was able to start to focus on me, the real me, not just the one on the surface. I began to learn and grow as a person, with others, and it was one of the most important times in my life.

But I still couldn't find happiness. I didn't know what would make me happy, and I knew that someday these friends would be gone, and I would be left alone again. So I decided to separate myself on my own, to lessen the blow of later abandonment, to pursue happiness alone, because in life I could never imagine someone to be there for me always. Stepping away from everything I know is nothing I am a stranger to, and this was the first time I had done it without any crutch, without anything familiar. I moved myself to a place where I knew no one, knew nothing, and forced myself to be completely independent. It effected me harshly... but I succeeded to do it on my own. I had a wonderful person, a boyfriend at the time, who followed me, and became my crutch in these times... but I never felt I could completely depend on him. I wouldn't allow it, I allowed him to depend on me completely, but was not able to let go of the fear of depending on another, I feared too much that he too would let me down.

I continued to be unhappy, and I continued to search for happiness. I began to research an escape, I began to look for something new, something that would be my true shot at happiness. I applied to school, made plans for the peace corps, and within weeks of my decision I was in a whole new place, a new state, and new life from the last. Learning is an ultimate gift that I was given everyday. But the past couple moves had weakened my ego, and my self esteem spiralling down. It was in this downward spiral that I began to fear going to class, facing people, and new situations. I had bolted through so many new situations for so long, that I did not step back to analyze its effect on me, and on my self esteem. I often had trouble getting out of bed, I grew anxious anytime I had to be somewhere, and would often just avoid it. I began working many jobs and trying to distract myself from my fears by being to busy to notice. I thought if I would just fall into a routine, I could make it. That has never worked for long. I tried to build myself by joining organizations and taking on large amounts of responsibility, yet I was constantly fighting fear, and causing myself to fail at the most pertinent times that I needed to succeed. I began to fall into long periods of isolation, and self hatred. I began to question my self worth. The downward spiral continued.

I hit a plateau, where I thought I was happy, where I was content with my life... I had limited my stress from what it had been before, and was content with where I was... but eventually it wasn't enough, and I began to fall again. This fall was so deep and far, that I could not see a way out. I was so overtaken by the fear that had been building for so long, the complete self hatred, and the unrelenting emotional pain that I had repressed for so long it all resurfaced at once. It was as if I had created a new point of low, I could not see a way out.

It was at this time I met a friend, a friend that I felt shared in my emotional state and therefore could relate to me, and me to him. He was the same as I, dealing with festering emotional wounds, trying to find a way out of the pain. I felt he could relate to my pain, and I confided in him, and left myself open for him to confide in me. I grew attached to my new crutch, to which was not stable enough to hold himself up, let alone help me stand. The relationship grew tiring for him, as he was just trying to maintain his own sanity, and I was pushing for him to help me control mine. I trusted him. I cared for his well being. In my mind we could grow well, together, but in reality, it only made things more complicated. He began to distance himself from me, but I couldn't let him go. I didn't think I could do it alone, not again. I didn't have the strength I did when I was young... and the fear, the fear tormented me. I couldn't leave my house, I couldn't leave my bed... I couldn't do anything without the fear physically paralyzing me. I didn't know what to do, where to turn... I was screaming to everyone I knew, HELP ME, Please... but no one knew how, it began to push them all away. I didn't even know what steps to make to help myself, I didn't know where to turn. I couldn't scream any louder... and I was too afraid and confused to do anymore. One day, after a long time dealing with this horrible breakdown, I saw an end, the only end I could find, but it was not something I could do, because it was the ultimate end... it was the only thing I was not afraid of, it seemed to be the only end to this pain. Although everyone I felt had vanished while I was crying for help, I couldn't allow them to be so severely hurt by my actions, I knew it wasn't their fault, I knew they didn't know any better than I how to help me, but I also knew if I sunk any deeper, that I may no longer be able to reason, I would no longer be able to save myself.

All this time one of the few that had still showed concern for me, my true friend and roommate, began to take action on finding me help. Despite my constant lashing out at him and using him to project my self hatred and to try and release my frustration, he stood by my side. He carried me to a place that could help to stabilize my emotional state. He went out of his way, to help me get better, and still continues to pull me up when I start to fall.

Now, after a year of trying to heal, trying to rebuild, trying to become whole, balanced and healthy.... I cannot say I have found the path, I cannot say I have not made progress, but I am still crawling, and not able to stand on my own completely, yet.

Discovering the path to happiness, at times seems like a fairytale, I sometimes wonder if in life I am only supposed to maintain the distractions that keep me from falling off the edge... but this type of thought only tears me down... I must pursue happiness, or I am nothing.

So, as I am now, I have made a decision, one that I find to be a catalyst to creating a new me, or finding the real me. I have chosen to take a journey, to leave all this behind me, and work on personal growth... on this journey I plan to grow spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually... and I have a plan of action. This is not an escape, this is not a distraction, this is an opportunity for me to detoxify myself of all the poison that has been plaguing me for too long. This is my step towards clearing the infection of my emotional wounds, so I can finally heal.

And as I make this journey, I will continue to write about my progress, about the steps I take to healing me.

My new rules and guidlines:

1. Completely rid myself of all physical poisons that take away from my positive mental state. (ex. Alcohol and Sugar)

2. Completely rid myself of all emotional poisons that take away from my positve mental state. (ex. guilt, fear, anxiety etc.)

3. Use my free time to do the things not only that I enjoy, but that also better me as a person. (Read, write, paint, play, make music, learn, explore, dance!)

4. Find new ways to exercise my spirituality.

5. Begin to rid myself of former agreements that are do not allow me to grow, and replace them with the four agreements.

6. Learn to love myself, learn to be who I am, and learn to value that person. Learn to trust myself.

7. Take opportunities to indulge in the new culture, in healthy ways.

8. Enjoy my job, learn from the children, learn to live love and laugh the way they do, with no guilt or contentment.

The Four Agreements

2009-08-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

1. Impeccable Speech
2. Never take anything Personal
3. Never assume anything
4. Always do your best

Brilliant man this Miguel Ruiz, his guidance is flawless, I do believe.

Thank you...

2009-07-31T20:46:00.000-07:00

You could have attacked me, as your original intentions suggested, and it would have hurt me... because my ego is weak. You are justified in believing my efforts to be ignorant, as I am now understanding, though it was a reason, it is no longer an excuse... I do not know you, but if you are aware of the value of what you have, than I couldn't be more pleased... I only wish the best for you and yours... you could only be amazing... as nothing less would do... Thank you for being mindful of me, I now shall do the same for you, as I am now seeing what that means. Namaste.

Voy a espana...

2009-07-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

I can't help but get more and more nervous, the closer it gets to my departure. All the questions run through my head, will I have enough money, will I go crazy there, will I be able to survive in another country, I don't even know the language, will I come back to homelessness, will I come back?.....

Living in the now is easier when you do not have to make every move in effort to progress towards this so near future plan. I hope I made the right choice on this one, I know I have to do it... I have to, I need this.

It could have been me.

2009-07-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

I do not understand why I cannot control this horrible aching need for something more. I feel everything from the pit of my stomach and it falls and rises and rests in every nerve ending of my body, my brain is capable of only thought to which make it worse, and everything seems out of control, I feel out of control.

Learning of the resent death of an acquaintance always hits me harder than I anticipate. The picture of the gun in her hand pressed against the center of her head between her eyes, will not shake out of my mind. Don't think I could have stopped this from happening, I doubt she ever knew how much I liked her as a person, enjoyed her company.... I cant really express these things to people, cant really express much, not anymore, not sense I fell apart, seems all my energy is focused on putting myself back together.... unsuccessfully. Not even a year ago, it could have been me... I could have been the one plastered in her mind, maybe... maybe she didn't enjoy my company as much as I did hers... or maybe she never would have even known, but the image presents the thought again and again, of how I can relate to her feelings, her desperation becomes mine... It all comes back to me like it never left.... It could have been me. It wasn't though, it was her, why her, maybe the world would have lost less if I would have taken the fall.

hypoglymanic...WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

2009-07-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

Super happy yet I feel physically terrible, this is my hangover today. After celebratory alcohol consumption in the name of Ashway growing another year older, it seems I have been lucky to not find myself having my usual depressive hangover. I instead feel hypomanic. I love mania, love love love it! And who wouldnt?!? I mean the feeling of euphoria, and having everthing figured out, old problems solved and new ones you find the ambition to deal with head on! It is strange how clear the answers are in this state of mind, everything is so easy, ideas flood in... and what can bring you down? If only my body fall in line with my mind, I cannot stop the shaking and lightheadedness no matter how positive my I feel, but doesnt stop me from dancin:)

15 months ago... In response to your question Mr. Hon..

2009-07-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

bladder control is an issue, but that is what happens when you get old like me.. maybe, I dont really have an excuse. Yeah its all totally true, cept the light up the room stuff, I just threw that in to make me sound stunning, did it work? I dont think I have a clavicle bone, but if I did Im pretty sure I wouldnt want to break it, cause breaking things I assume is no fun. Once I sprang my ankle, had a boot, and it made for this excellent story here, so I guess I am glad it happened, or else what could I relate to you with?My blood sugar is extremely low thank you for asking, what a strange but fitting question, were you really interested or just interested in letting me know you have an understanding of hypoglycemia? See the issue is, I drank too much last night which causes all kinds of negative effects to my body... but godamn godamn I had a blast. Went to see a friends band, with my rockstar friend(in the party sense, not the musical sense) and she always likes to start of the bar with some shots... which to me seemed crazy, but now it has become a ritual. shots and beer, shots and beer. My friends band played and then we headed out dancin, crazy thing was we called a cab, but instead of a car or a van, we got a moped with a tented seat on the back... I didnt even know these things existed in Nashville, but I am here to tell you they do, and it greatly amused myself, and my friends. Maybe I am easily amused... or maybe this was hillarious. Rest of the nite gets alittle foggy, but I woke up on a couch owned by some cool peeps we met the same nite, what a hospitable couple of guys. problem was, wasnt really sure to tell the cab that was coming to take us back to my car where to find us... luckily we were close to street signs, and the neighbors mailbox had a the house number on it in characters I could read(yea, I know how to problem solve, I gots me some skillz) I think the cab driver thought we were pretty much insane, he may have been right. Now how could you ever end that night without a meal was my thoughts, and sure enough my rockstar friend was on the same page. Shoneys breakfast buffet sounded great at first, but was alil rough on my weak stomach, which remained week till about 6 hrs ago when I ate something else. So now Im sure you totally understand why my sugar is low, and you are very glad you asked. Anymore deep questions?

The Pleasure in Simplicity

2009-07-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

I am quite impressed with your mental reconditioning. Seems to me that you have learned to be content. To not want for more than the basic necessities in life, food, shelter, water and love. Happiness from only these things is a rare attribute in our greedy society, for that I am largely impressed at your ability to find happiness in these simple things.... especially since I met you as a seeker of that which was much more complicated, you wanted the world, as well as that which was beyond. Maybe I could learn a lesson from your mind change, but I dont think I am ready to give up chasing my dreams.... honestly, it is a little disheartening to think that is what you have done.... as I viewed you as well more equipped than myself to eventually have it all.Maybe you have just emotionally matured faster than I, and someday I will find contentment in the basic needs, no more complicating everything. Or maybe in my trial and error, I will eventually have the world and have mastered that which is beyond.....Seems in effort to find my purpose and meaning, I have done many things in my life, and accomplished very little. Lets hope that this most recent effort, is one that will prove to be a choice in the right direction.... my life became stagnant here, yet I havent been able to change it, until now. Either way, while I am chasing something that may never come to pass, you have found pleasure in that which will always be... Im happy for you, truely. Just wish you could have all you deserve, which I believe is so much more than just the primary needs. I think you deserve the world, and that which is beyond, and I believe it would be an inspiration to me, if you still believed that....Maslow's self actualization comes from making it through lifes most hardening trials, and still being emotionally stable, and ambitious. I know you are strong enough to find self actualization, you have so much depth to you... so much you dont even see.... you have the capability to be infinitely wise, spiritually and emotionally, with the right avenues, with challanging yourself, with not giving up on yourself, And this used to be something you yearned for.No matter what you choose to do with your life, I will always be. Your choices have no effect on me.... so why do I care so much? Because I know you, and I know your potential, I may even be envious of your potential, and I hate to see it go to waste.... I will continue to have faith in that someday you will reach your full potential, and when it happens, please send me a line... so I can feel the satisfaction of being proven to know the truth as it is. Namaste, Melisa

Surviving Emotion

2009-07-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

Nothing is right, nothing feels right... not the way my mind created the supposed outcome. If you try hard, and always do what is best, then all things will work out for the best, right? Maybe the best is disguised behind that which feels worse, the worst, the thing that makes you want to die. I am happy for you, as I sacrafice my own happiness, and continue to feel complete misery, but what did I not sacrafice... wish I could be done, with misery, done with it all, done with the memories, done with the idea, the thought... done with the dellusion of all that it was, what was, it was never anything really, not to you. But to me, it was the most amazing experience of a life time, the most miserable experience.... the one that I still fight to survive, survive the emotion of it all. Your power I created, that which I created, I can not let go. I will let it go, someday, someday it will be gone... I will survive this... no choice otherwise. If I only open my eyes to the reality. The fact that nothing within your intentions was good, nothing within you was good, not for me, for me good is something more... will I ever get that which I deserve, I created this, I can contol it, I can move on.... I can survive, this emotion.

Beauty

2009-07-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

When I think of beauty, I do not think it can be seen primarily by the eyes, although it is something taken in by sight (or sound, or touch, or taste, or scent) the quality that sets it aside from the ordinary, from the pleasing to the eyes.... is its impact on emotion. When you see a beautiful painting that brings tears to your eyes, or hear a beautiful song that humbly peirces your soul, smell a scent that nastalgically takes you back to when you were an innocent child with complete optimism for the world, eat a food that stops time, so nothing else matters, or feel the sensation of the person you feel souly connected to and love the most in the world, gently caressing your body, or someone or something that finds a way to appeal to all of your senses... that is what beauty is to me.

November 09, 2008

2009-07-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

Mental Illness
The past year has been one of my hardest to endure in my life... in the past life events have proved trying but it wasnt until now that I have learned a whole new element of survival. My mind will not allow me to be the same person I was... from paranoia to dellusions, to constant fear to physical and mental complete nervous breakdowns ... I was starting to feel like things were getting back to normal, but I was humbled by the side effects of a new medication, one that makes me unable to form sentences correctly, studder, and unable keep up in conversation, and feel so spaced out that driving causes me to almost end up in a ditch at least 5 times in my five minute drive home from work., I forget I am driving, I forget everything.. my whole body goes completely numb, and I start to feel like I am no longer inside it, then I start to think I am possessed, or was cursed, and I cant help but feel something staring into my shoulder blades, causing me to be constantly checking over my shoulder... like something is out to get me... and sometimes, my irrational thoughts seem rational... dreams are as vivid as reality, and rreality feels like a dream, it is hard to tell one from the other.

October 01, 2008

2009-07-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

The Count...

In a room without a door, I sit and stare at the four corners of the room, and count them one by one, without any hesitation between, not stopping to breath, never stopping just rhythmic counting, "1,2,3,4"... I hear a sound, is it my own voice, is it the sound of silence, I cannot be sure it is real, or that I am real... I just continue counting, to keep myself aligned. Four corners make a not so perfect square in the not so perfect room, and in the center, a not so perfect me. To stop counting would ease the pressure, the pressure of all that is, the pressure of all that is not, the pressure of all that is caving in. From ceiling to floor the depth of it all is lessening.... but I just continue to count, "1,2,3,4" ... My eyes try to focus on that which is above me, and that which is below me, but all I see is the darkness that surrounds me, I feel the darkness surrounding my body, it surrounds me like a coffin, as the room closes in.. to stop counting is the end, and the end is releif from the narrowing walls and ceiling and floor and as they move in towards me, I coninue to count,,, "1,2,3.4" I am suffocating now, the counting has stopped my breath, or have I stopped my breath for the count? To stop counting will end it all, but without the count, there is nothing, only darkness. So I continue to count, until the corners disappear, until the room disappears, until I disappear "1,2,3........

April 17, 2008

2009-07-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

Perfection, Ode to a stable mind... whatever that means

I have pretty much decided everyone is crazy. There is no one that can claim to be normal, claim to be of upstanding mental health.... well they can, but it would be a lie. We are all in some ways insecure, in some ways narcisitic, in some ways illogical, irrational, and in some way self destructive, and we all have an addiction to something.

Maybe these character flaws are what makes us individuals, no one is perfect, not even in their psyche. Except me of course, but only because I embrace my imperfections.... and let my craziness take control... and any of you normal stable minded people know that the idea of that being perfect, is just crazy... lucky for me there isnt any.

Narcissm at its finest: too much about me

2009-07-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

I love muzak, I love pretending like I can make muzak, I love my cousins Congas(I guess thats what they are, drums, that I get to beat on, LOVE THEM),I love being around people,I LOVE ICE CREAM, I love helping people, I love text messaging, I love FOOD, I LOVE TO DANCE, and wish I were good at it I love completely random and spontaneous nights that lead you where you never could of guessed you would end up,I love Blasphemy, I love the word Cunt but rarely use it (yet I should more), I love my family, I love children, I love my fish even though I never feed them, I love good times, I love spending all my money on other people, I love my camera, I love my room, I love my pool, I love sleep deprivation, and chances are I probably love you. I dispise tuna, I hate depression,yet I deal with it often, I hate hangovers, I hate arrogance, I dispise messes and hate cleaning, I hate to sleep the day away, or going to bed when the sun is rising. I dont like Rush(the band) or to be rushed. I hate dwelling on the past, I hate anxiety, and I hate guilt. I dispise the christian religion, but love gospel music, hymnals, and jesus movies. I hate sleep deprivation. I have a blue car that I lock 8000 times a day because I cant remember if I locked it or not, and I cant handle the thought of my car being unlocked(translation OCD) I have panic attacks when I am the center of attention in a group of people I dont know well, and I have an auditory phobia that Ive never met anyone else with. Im shy, but I hide it VERY well. I am severely insecure... which comes out the more you are around me. I talk way too much, and always think I am hillarious. I avoid confrontation at all costs. I have a major fear of authority and am easily intimidated(especially by Geminis). I spend way to much time on myspace. I make decisions based on my horoscope. I read alot of books on astrology. I get called crazy way to often. I am obsessed with my looks, and never feel that I look good enough. Im not very smart. I have the ugliest feet on earth. I am accident prone, probably cause I lack the ability to pay attention to detail. I love to be in pictures. I love to read books that I choose. I love learning. I dont believe in the God that the majority of people believe in. I wish I could spell words like atroshous(seriously). I wish I were talented in music like the rest of my family and friends. I wish I were talented at anything really.I wish I could learn from my mistakes. I love that my eyes are an unusual color, and they change. There are very few things that are consistant for me, I am very spuradic. I am addicted to speed and nicotine.I rarely do anything like other people, and most people tell me I am strange... I like that about me, I like that I am not normal, but I think I am the only one who values this quality, people always shake their head at me, strangers often feel they have the right to criticize me, as well as confide in me, and often seek me out if they are in need.I always share, stuff and thoughts, the thoughts way too much, Ive been known to give too much information, the stuff is just stuff, and if you want it, its yours.I lack whatever it is that attracts the opposite sex. and definitely am not someone people want to date. I make effort to understand why, but rarely have have any conclusions. ok enough rambling about mememememememmemememememmememememmemememe, Im done now.

January 21, 2008

2009-07-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

It all started as a funny thing I always heard my witty cousin say... " I like zebras.... I like the black stripes, and the way they compliment the white stripes..." in his rather intellectually accented tone like a fictitious character, probably not nearly as funny in black and white, but it always made me chuckle.
I moved into this house quite a few months ago, and since I have lived here the light in the dinning room has been broken. Apparently my roommate had called an electrician service to come fix it on several occations, inwhich they never showed up. It is quite depressing dinning in the dark, so I thought it would be nice to have someone come in and fix it. Lucky for me my wonderful witty cousin is not only good for his ability to make you laugh, but he is also skilled in the art of electical work, as it is his trade. So my awesome cousin(the same witty guy I was speaking of before) comes over and illumnates our once dungeonlike dinning room with his incredible skill. Not only does he fix the light, he also brings over a zebra fur cover for our light switch and donates it to our drab house, making it much less drab of course. I mean seriously, WHO DOESN"T LIKE ZEBRAS!!! So for almost a full month I not only enjoy the light that brings life to the room that was once only a passing zone, but also I had the pleasure of brushing my hand against the nice soft fur of a zebra everytime I turned the light on. How could you ask for more, my life was complete, if I was having a bad day I could just do a quick swipe of my hand over my zebra fur light cover, and the day suddenly was better(ok, I am being quite dramatic here, maybe I didn't do this that often, but it was pretty effin cool). So today I come home from my horindously weird day... between suicidal drivers trying to take me down with them, and a house cat deciding it would be a nice night for a swim jumping into the pool and running off after being heroically saved by my roommate, to have to be chased down with icicle fur so that his life would not end as him as a pussicle, I thought the end had come to terrible events. It wasnt until I turned on the light to clean off the table in the dinning room that I discovered I was wrong. When I turned on the light, to my dismay, I found no zebra fur light switch cover.... no soft and furry sensation on my fingers, WHAT THE HELL!!!! In its place was a twenty five cent manillaugly version of a light switch cover!!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!! I mean seriously, Who doesn't like zebras?!?

December 02, 2007

2009-07-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

I used to have patience, now I'm just frustrated, nothing makes me satisfied anymore. I could bend over backwards to make your life a little easier, and all I get is a big eff you from ur direction. I'm sick of giving the benefit to every sociopath I know, with there horrible narcissitic way of making themselves and their own my problem, and I deal with it, and I deal with it well..... but I really just want to say eff yourself.... or take care of it yourself, what do I have that you dont? Massive debt and an Unstable mind, and thats it, so take care of yourself so I can take care of me.... because for some reason, Im the only one who can do that too.... go figure

Spotted

2009-07-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!The world forgetting, by the world forgot.Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;"

Never should I be so blessed